Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Annoying draft guys

As a companion article to our look at annoying fantasy formats, let's examine cretin-esque behavior amongst fantasy draft participants.

The "takes too long to pick" guy

The first round of a fantasy baseball draft, absent some sort of unforeseeable technical problem, should take about one minute, if that. You had months to fucking figure out your preferred order of the first 12 people. If you take more than 10 seconds, you are wasting everyone's time. The dilemma of whether to take Chase Utley or Miguel Cabrera, while serious, could have been done at any point before draft day. Pick already!

This goes for round two as well. You shouldn't be taking the full minute and a half that Yahoo provides until round five or six, at the earliest.

The "technical problems" guy

An unforeseeable technical problem is one thing. Your failing to realize that your work computer doesn't have Java installed isn't unforeseeable. Nor is your wireless router no longer having access to your neighbor's account. Please do not post a message the morning of begging for a postponement. Also, do not continuously whine that you auto-drafted Albert Pujols in round one. Suck it up.

The "you drafted my sleeper" guy

Once per draft you are allowed to laconically comment that someone swiped "your" sleeper just before you had a chance. Once. No one wants to hear about bad beats in poker, the fish that got away, or Evan Longoria being snatched from your sweaty, filthy grasp.

The "what do you think of this pick?" guy

Once, maybe twice, you can ask what people think of your selection if unfocused commentary/howls of derision immediately followed. Otherwise, it's annoying. People are busy, dude. And, for the love of god, please do not ask anyone before round 20: what do you think of my draft?

The "that was a lousy pick" guy

If someone asks for your opinion, which shouldn't happen often, then go ahead. Otherwise, save it. This, of course, goes out the window if someone didn't realize that a player is injured or otherwise unavailable. At that point, second-guessing is not only encouraged, it's required. But it has to be unequivocal. An example of a selection that would qualify: Cory Li... never mind. You get the idea.

The overly eager trader

Dude. We're in round 10. Stop bugging me about trading.

The teleprompter

Okay, you're pissed that you loaded up on CIs early and watched Carlos Pena go in round seven, and Ryan Zimmerman in round nine. This doesn't give you the right to spoil those waiting on draft-day bargains by asking, "Why hasn't player X gone yet?" That's just plain obnoxious, and if I wanted player X, and someone else drafts him after hearing your blather, I'm putting my foot up your ass.

The sandbagger

Do not praise a player to the high heavens or encourage someone to take him with the pick before yours if you don't plan on taking him. I continuously see people squeal out "You're taking Juan Pierre, aren't you? Don't do it! He's mine!" Then, when Juan isn't drafted, that player doesn't take Juan either. Stop it.

The deadbeat

The deadbeat comes in many forms. Maybe he doesn't show up to the draft at all. Maybe he disappears for rounds at a time. He could have failed to send in the league dues. Or maybe he drops players for no reason.

Don't invite deadbeats back.

Those who mention their significant others

Unless Julianne Hough is offering to lapdance your pole mid-draft, nobody wants to hear about nagging wives, jealous girlfriends, etc. This is man time, damnit.

The Crow

Okay, everyone forgot about [insert draft day steal here]. Good for you. You may say "thank you" if congratulated. Otherwise, STFU.

1 comment:

Bob Taylor said...

I once had one douchebag who was drafting first overall in my money fantasy-football league FAKE computer troubles so the guy picking in front of him in the second would assume he was auto-drafting his second and third picks and thus could hold off on taking a specific player until the second pick of the third round (rather than taking him with the next-to-last pick of the second round).

Yeah, it was just as ridiculous as it sounds. We still make fun of him for it.