Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Playometer: Evan Longoria versus Eva Longoria

I have been deluged by questions from frantic fantasy owners unable to decide between devoting a starting job to Evan Longoria or using the slot on Eva Longoria. Let's look at the tale of the tape.

Background Information

Evan Longoria

Evan was selected by the Rays with the third overall pick in the 2006 Draft. He destroyed Class A, dominated Class II, and eventually impressed in AAA. Rather than get stuck in the minors indefinitely by the crafty Tampa Bay Rays, he signed a six-year, $17.5 million deal. He's doing as poorly as expected batting average-wise in the majors (about .250), and supplying very good speed and good power for a third baseman (on pace for about 24/10 in a shortened season).

Eva Longoria: Before and After MAKEUP!

Eva Longoria is, shockingly, 33 years old. I say "shockingly" because she's typically wearing a half pound of oil-based shellacking and manages to digitally airbrush herself whenever her photo is taken. The photo on the left tells you exactly what you're dealing with here: a Cougar who preys on young, impressionable NBA stars. She's also only about 4'10", a fact you wouldn't notice due to careful camera positioning on Desperate Housewives. She's been married twice and did a bunch of stuff before the NBC smash hit, but nobody ever heard of any of it and no one cares.

Advantage: EvaN Longoria

Physical Attributes

Evan Longoria
An athletic masher, he was considered the best pure hitter of his draft class. Tall and lean, rather than portly and muscular (a la Miguel Cabrera), there's talk of him filling in at shortstop for the Rays. If he become SS eligible, we're looking at a fifth or sixth-round draft pick next year, judging by the extent to which the current crops of shortstops are sucking it up or losing eligibility.

Eva Longoria

Stare at this photo long and hard. Looks good, right? Now, once again, examine her moustache in the non-airbrushed, non-make-uped paparazzi shot (above). Expelliarmus erectus!

Advantage: Depends. Given time to prepare, Eva.

Short Term Projections

Evan Longoria

He was called up awfully young (and handed a contract that surely pissed off the entire MLB players' union). I don't think he bats more than .260. Heck, he never even sniffed .300 in his minor league career, no reason to think he's going to bat .275 in his first big league season. Then again, with seven home runs and three stolen bases through May 27, that's good waiver-wire power and very good stolen-base thievery. (Look at how scarce SBs are amongst third baseman: anywhere near 15 is awesome.) He'll be a useful fantasy cog in deep mixed leagues and a big time difference maker in AL-only leagues, this year.

Eva Longoria

She's apparently off the market and enjoying life with an ethnically ambiguous NBA player. Assuming he isn't mounting every nubile young coquette that he can, she's going to be very busy receiving his ... essence ... on a nightly basis. She's already indicated she wants to start a family. That FHM ranking of #14 amongst all womanhood is looking more and more like a mirage (clearly they didn't see the "no makeup" photo).

Advantage: EvaN Longoria

Long Term Projections

Evan Longoria

Going to be a fixture at 3B for the foreseeable future and likely goes in the 10th or 11th round next year. (The stolen base potential is going to bump him up from guys like Kouzmanoff.) If he's SS eligible, we're looking at a fifth or sixth-selection, assuming he progresses naturally.

Eva Longoria

Soon, very soon, she's going to look like this:

Advantage: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Injury Worries

Evan Longoria

He's not a pitcher, not a catcher, and not involved in double plays. The normal caveats apply, but it's looking good.

Eva Longoria

You see that lollipop? God knows where she's going to put things like that, and who knows what damage it will cause.

Advantage: EvaN Longoria

Fans want a Piece of their Heroes

Evan Longoria

Who doesn't want to bring home a baseball signed by the new stud on the suddenly dominant Tampa Bay Rays?

Eva Longoria
Who doesn't want to bring that home and split it like a peach?

Final Analysis

There's just too many problems with making Eva Longoria a staple of your ... lineup. EvaN Longoria all the way.


dan said...

man, look at the size of her bush in that red bikini shot!
old school.

waters96 said...

That was a freakin' great post. I'm still trying to get my coffee out of the keyboard as I was laughing so hard.

Mike Bock said...

Glad you liked it. Coffee in keyboard is the greatest compliment an erstwhile comedic post can achieve.

Mr. Cosby said...

You see that lollipop?

I believe...that's called....a pudding pop.

Anonymous said...

all celebrities are scum and should be placed in a special prison.